Afton’s birthday 2013.
We celebrated the short life of our sweet baby girl Afton yesterday, on her birthday. Sending little love notes written with sharpies on pink balloons up to heaven. I feel like it was just yesterday. All the emotions come flooding back as I think of the week she was with us and the difficult decisions we had to make.
She has taught me so much in such a short amount of time. My thoughts on life and what this is all about have changed so much. My testimony of our savior Jesus Christ has grown beyond measure. If it was not for my faith, and my knowledge that there truly is life after this and we will see her again, I would be so lost right now. Right after she had passed, I was so broken, just consumed with grief. Why after so many miscarriages would our Heavenly Father let us get so close and then just take her away.
I have had to change my outlook from saying “why” to saying “thank you”. I’ve found so much peace by saying thank you. By saying: “Thank you for letting me be her mom”, I’ve realized what a gift she is to me… to our family. To know that I’m the mother to a sweet spirit that didn’t need this earthly test. By saying “thank you for giving me this experience”, I’ve become so much more compassionate and aware of those around me going through such hard trials. Life is so hard. It just is. The things so many have to endure here on earth is just heartbreaking. Our hearts broke into a million pieces when we had to say good bye to the hopes in our hearts of welcoming this sweet baby into our family and bringing her home.
It wasn’t until our little Afton graced our lives that I realized what a gift it is to have a human body. It’s something that you just don’t think about, or really talk about. Shortly after she had passed, someone said to me something like: “Well, at least she got her body”, and I remember feeling so upset that they would say something so insensitive to me at the time. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. I wanted to keep her here with me. It’s not really hard to offend someone who is grieving, your feelings of sadness are just too much sometimes that you just want to feel something else, something different. So I swapped out sad for mad, but that didn’t do me any good. I have had a lot of time to think about her words, and if I take away the emotions and really think, deep down, she was right. Our human bodies here on earth are our gift, and if all our little Afton needed was a body for such a short time to complete her journey, I feel honored to have played a part in giving her that gift. Our spirits live on forever, but we’re only here with our bodies for a short time. It’s up to us how we choose to use them, for good or for evil. Serving others, just like our Savior did when he was on this earth…he is our ultimate example.
In the months that followed after our little Afton had passed, we were served and loved by so many around us. Many of those who were such a support to me had also lost someone close to them. It’s as if their loved one who had passed on the other side was guiding them to reach out to us, to do something that they physically could not do because they don’t have a body. If there is anything that we can take away from this life experience and our heartbreak, it’s that we want to be just like those who served us on our darkest days.
Probably the hardest part of the day for me yesterday was when I was talking with Avery about our little Afton. Right now Avery’s at an age where she’s really into cute hairstyles. She said: “If Afton was still here with us, how do you think we would be doing her hair?” (tears)
It’s things like that, the sister thing, that have been so hard for me. I have just loved having sisters, and I know Avery would have been so sweet with her. (more tears) They have a bond that’s undeniable.
It was a nice day celebrating her life. Thank you for all of your nice comments on Instagram. I’m so thankful for the love and support we have had all around us…so thankful for our sweet little Afton. <3