Afton’s birthday 2013.
We celebrated the short life of our sweet baby girl Afton yesterday, on her birthday. Sending little love notes written with sharpies on pink balloons up to heaven. I feel like it was just yesterday. All the emotions come flooding back as I think of the week she was with us and the difficult decisions we had to make.
She has taught me so much in such a short amount of time. My thoughts on life and what this is all about have changed so much. My testimony of our savior Jesus Christ has grown beyond measure. If it was not for my faith, and my knowledge that there truly is life after this and we will see her again, I would be so lost right now. Right after she had passed, I was so broken, just consumed with grief. Why after so many miscarriages would our Heavenly Father let us get so close and then just take her away.
I have had to change my outlook from saying “why” to saying “thank you”. I’ve found so much peace by saying thank you. By saying: “Thank you for letting me be her mom”, I’ve realized what a gift she is to me… to our family. To know that I’m the mother to a sweet spirit that didn’t need this earthly test. By saying “thank you for giving me this experience”, I’ve become so much more compassionate and aware of those around me going through such hard trials. Life is so hard. It just is. The things so many have to endure here on earth is just heartbreaking. Our hearts broke into a million pieces when we had to say good bye to the hopes in our hearts of welcoming this sweet baby into our family and bringing her home.
It wasn’t until our little Afton graced our lives that I realized what a gift it is to have a human body. It’s something that you just don’t think about, or really talk about. Shortly after she had passed, someone said to me something like: “Well, at least she got her body”, and I remember feeling so upset that they would say something so insensitive to me at the time. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. I wanted to keep her here with me. It’s not really hard to offend someone who is grieving, your feelings of sadness are just too much sometimes that you just want to feel something else, something different. So I swapped out sad for mad, but that didn’t do me any good. I have had a lot of time to think about her words, and if I take away the emotions and really think, deep down, she was right. Our human bodies here on earth are our gift, and if all our little Afton needed was a body for such a short time to complete her journey, I feel honored to have played a part in giving her that gift. Our spirits live on forever, but we’re only here with our bodies for a short time. It’s up to us how we choose to use them, for good or for evil. Serving others, just like our Savior did when he was on this earth…he is our ultimate example.
In the months that followed after our little Afton had passed, we were served and loved by so many around us. Many of those who were such a support to me had also lost someone close to them. It’s as if their loved one who had passed on the other side was guiding them to reach out to us, to do something that they physically could not do because they don’t have a body. If there is anything that we can take away from this life experience and our heartbreak, it’s that we want to be just like those who served us on our darkest days.
Probably the hardest part of the day for me yesterday was when I was talking with Avery about our little Afton. Right now Avery’s at an age where she’s really into cute hairstyles. She said: “If Afton was still here with us, how do you think we would be doing her hair?” (tears)
It’s things like that, the sister thing, that have been so hard for me. I have just loved having sisters, and I know Avery would have been so sweet with her. (more tears) They have a bond that’s undeniable.
It was a nice day celebrating her life. Thank you for all of your nice comments on Instagram. I’m so thankful for the love and support we have had all around us…so thankful for our sweet little Afton. <3
You are a sweet family, and reading your words about Afton, again, both breaks my heart and feels it with joy. xoxo
Thank you Val. <3 thanks for all your kind comments when ever I share about our little Afton.
I HAVE GOOSEBUMPS KAMI! YOU’RE SUCH A STRONG PERSON WITH A HUGE HEART. I LOOK UP TO YOU IN SO MANY WAYS! AFTON WAS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL SWEET THING AND ALTHOUGH SHE WAS HERE JUST A SHORT TIME SHE BLESSED SO MANY PEOPLE IN HER WEEK OF LIFE! HUGS FRIEND! LOVE YA
Thank you Britt! You have been unbelievably kind to me and our family through this all. You really have a heart of gold. Love you!
What a sweet tribute to your angel baby. I’m sure she is so proud to have such an strong Mama.
Thank you Amber. <3
Reading what Avery said brought tears to my eyes, what a sweet sister!
Aw, thanks Diana. <3
I love you so much Kami girl. And I’m so sorry that you’ll have 2 hard days so close together. I’m glad that you are celebrating her birth. That’s so important. And you’re right. She needed a body, and you were able to provide that for her. One day she will wrap her arms around you and thank you over and over. I know you went through the mad stage. And that will come and go. Just remember it’s fine to feel whatever you want. If you’re mad, that’s okay. There’s someone who knows every emotion that you are having, and completely understands. Don’t forget him, and his want to hold you up, or celebrate with you, or whatever you feel in that moment. All my love.
Thank you Lara. <3 you have been so kind to me through all of this. I'm so thankful for your friendship. I'd love to see you soon.
Talk about tears. I knew I would be in trouble if I read this! Oh Kami. I wish I could hug you right now. You have no idea how much you were on my mind for months and months after Afton was born. Knowing that there was nothing I could say or do – or anyone could say or do to make it feel better. Thinking about all you have been through in the past two years breaks my heart. You are amazing. And so is your husband. And so are all three of your children. And sweet Afton is with you every day. I know that she watches over her mom and dad and sister and brother every single day. There are no words. I just love you so much.
xoxo
Erin
Thank you Erin. <3 you have been so sweet to me through all of this. I hope we can meet in real life someday so I can just give you a big hug. <3
Oh, Kami. I knew there was a reason that compelled me to sign up for your blogposts just this week. What a beautiful tribute to your daughters. Equally beautiful is the testimony you shared. Our Lord shines His Light through your family. How your little Afton continues to be such a strong presence in your lives today is further proof of the eternal lives we receive through our faith.
I was never graced with children of my own but I was blessed with 3 stepsons. I lost one 3 years ago when a plane he was piloting crashed. What helped me through this tragic loss was the smile on his face. It was further affirmation that he went instantly to his heavenly home. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him and then I smile. He will be there welcoming me home when it’s my turn just as your precious Afton will be there for you and your family.
I know your story of love and faith will bring meaning to many. May God continue to bless your family.
Hi Ginny! Thank you. <3 What a nice note. My heart goes out to your about your sweet stepson. Thank you for sharing your love and light. <3
This blessed my soul today. Your ability to maintain your faith and focus on the gift of your daughter’s life is amazing. We have one beautiful daughter, but were unable to have more children. I have grieved the loss of a baby I never knew for many years. You are a strong and inspirational woman. Thank you for sharing your story. Susan
Thank you Susan. <3 Thanks for sharing your story and your kindness with me this week.
Thank you to you and Afton for touching our lives in such a beautiful and loving way.
Thank you Janine. <3
Thank you soooo much for sharing your faith! I love the Lord as well and am encouraged by your testimony!
Thank you Lisa. <3
I´m from Brasil,thank you for your words,so simple and so true.My respects.A big hugh
Thank you! <3
Kami, thank you for sharing such beautiful lessons. You are an example of grace and strength. I am thinking of you!
Thank you Christina <3
This post is beautiful for a beautiful angel Afton.
Our family lost our niece 29 yrs ago. We still talk about her and the things we missed out on.
Thank you for sharing Afton with all of us.
Oh I’m so sorry to hear that. My heart goes out to you too, Glenda. <3 Thanks for your kindness.
Kami,
I love you sharing your heart and testimony and seeing the growth and lessons Sweet Afton blessed you with. I also know your pain and hope that with each passing year that eases a bit. She was as much a gift to your spirit as you were to her gaining a body. You two will have a lot of catching up to do in heaven. It is the sweet children, like Afton, that I think as mothers we will be in awe at how much more they are then us in heaven. I mean they are the child and we the mother, but their wisdom and specialness will be so much more. If that makes sense. Love you and constantly thinking of you this special and bittersweet week.
xoxo, April
Thank you friend. Love you. <3
I’ve never met you, but am a fan of your blog and admirer of your strength and courage. Thank you for another beautiful post about your beautiful daughter. God bless you.
Thank you. <3