Recurrent Pregnancy Loss

I’ve never gone into detail about my infertility struggles, but I’ve wanted to share my story for a long time…I just haven’t had the guts to do so. I also try to keep this blog on the light upbeat positive side, but this is a real/sad part of my life that I want to talk about.

When most people think of infertility, they think of an inability to get pregnant. That’s not my problem. I suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss, and I recently miscarried. Again. All the feelings, hormones and emotions have flooded back and I think it’s time I tell my story. I’m nervous about ‘throwing this out there,’ and I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m doing this for myself (it’s a bit like therapy) and hoping that maybe this will help someone else.

My History:
I have been pregnant 13 times and we have 1 biological child. I debated whether or not to post that number. It seems surreal and shocking, but it’s the truth. Whenever you fill out paperwork at the doctors office, you are asked to list your pregnancies, so I can’t forget the number, even if I wanted to. Every time I visit the doctor, I have to provide (and relive) the following list:

01. August 2001: Miscarriage (shortly after we got our dog, little Rukkus)
02. January 2003: Avery was born (premature)
03. July 2004: Miscarriage
04. December 2004: Miscarriage (D&C)
05. May 2005: Miscarriage (D&C)
06. August 2005: Miscarriage
07. March 2006: Miscarriage (D&C with genetic testing) – we saw a heartbeat for 2 weeks
08. August 2006: Miscarriage
09. April 2007: Miscarriage
10. November 2007: Miscarriage
11. April 2008: Miscarriage (shortly after, we adopted Aiden who was born in June)
12. August 2008: Miscarriage
13. March 2010: Miscarriage

We have done extensive testing with multiple specialists to try and solve this problem, but have had no luck. We’ve tried everything from progesterone in all 3 forms (pills, suppository and injections) to heparin injections to chromosomal testing on both of us and on fetal tissue to an angiogram, etc, etc.. Through all this, we have received no answers. Nothing. Which is probably the most frustrating part of it all.

Miscarriage is something most women don’t talk about, but when it happens over and over again, you need to talk about it. It’s such a roller coaster of emotions and hormones that if you don’t talk about it or have a great support system, you can feel so alone. I have been blessed to have such great support from Kyle, both of our families and a few close friends.

With each unsuccessful pregnancy, we wonder if we should shift our focus to preventing. I can’t continue on this path much longer. Permanent contraception during the most fertile time in your life is not an easy decision to make. It might be the hardest decision I’ll ever have to make. Being pregnant and having babies is such a big part of being female. Also being a Mormon living in Utah doesn’t help. Everyone around me seems to be pregnant all the time. I know I should be so happy for them, but I have to admit that it’s hard. They have the one thing I want; the one thing I can come so close to, but can’t seem to have. I would give so much to experience a normal pregnancy. Just to find out I’m pregnant without the attached anxiety…I have no clue what that would be like.

Even though my pregnancy with Avery was successful, it was far from ‘normal.’ The truth is that Avery is a complete miracle. If it wasn’t for early and frequent ultrasounds (the benefits of having an OBGYN father-in-law and Kyle having a client who does ultrasounds), we never would have known that she was IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction) and had stopped growing. Most pregnancies receive one single ultrasound around 20 weeks. Had that been the case with me, they would have simply determined that my dates were wrong and pushed back her due date. She wouldn’t have made it. It was only through 3 months of bed rest and steroid injections to help her lungs develop that she was able to make it as long as she did. Weekly stress tests finally indicated that it was time to induce labor 5 weeks premature. She weighed 2.5 lbs at birth and was in the NICU for 5 weeks until her original due date.

The fact that we’ve experience a miracle (Avery) gives me hope for another miracle. With this most recent pregnancy, we saw a heartbeat at 6 weeks. Then it went away…again. This was the first time in a while that I really let myself get excited and it just made the loss that much harder. Since we adopted our son, I had finally been able to relax and essentially let go of the wanting another biological child. But this last pregnancy brought back all those same hopes and excitement.

As much as all of these losses are such a big part of my story, I can’t let myself think too much about each one as an individual child in our family… I think that would send me straight to the looney bin.

I want to keep hope, but I can’t keep doing this. If someone could tell me right now, what is causing this problem and that I could never have another child, I would almost feel relief just to have an answer to all of this. Even if the answer is no. A big loud “NO”, would be so much better than a no with a question mark.

As hard as this trial has been, I must admit it has had a silver lining. In fact, two. Not only have we had the opportunity to experience adoption resulting in the most adorable little boy we could ever hope to raise, but we also have our little miracle girl.

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  1. Pera Chapita says

    Hi, I read your blog regularly and love it!
    Just wanted to say that while I have not been through anything close to what you have been through, I too have had a miscarriage… I now have a beautiful boy that just turned two! And all I can say is that YOU ARE BLESSED! YOU ARE BLESSED with two little darlings in your life… There are some people that can't even have ONE… God has a purpose for all of us and this is what He is blessing YOU with.
    Thanks for sharing such a personal story, and stay strong!

    • diana says

      my name is diana and im 23 years old.. i have had 6 miscarrages 3 girls and 3 boys of witch they all have names..a year and 1 month ago i had my twins . it was a hard pregnancy i was on bed rest from 12 weeks untill the birth, ive cried so much during this year and 1 month because i had whats called twin to twin transfusion not sure if i spelled it right but one of my babies was taking all the oxgyn and nuetrience from the other, well at 28 weeks i gave birth to a beautiful 2 pound 3 ounce baby girl i named olivia grace, she died 2 hours after birth. her handsom brother oliver on the other hand was a big 5 pounds 9 ounce bolt of lighting. for the longest time i held olivia in my arms saying my goodbyes and refused to let her go when the drs came to get her……… she was gone really gone……. the nurse brought oliver to me and i wouldnt hold him …. i didnt even look at him…. sadly i hated him……. i was put on medications and went to therepy i left my soul and my heart with olivia and that was wrong. i had a beautiful baby boy who needed his mommy ..but i still didnt care… one night as i slept i had the dream that still sends chills up my spine…. a baby crying and no one was there only me i ignored the baby for hours then went to the baby.. in a daze i picked him up and he stops crying i burst into tears and woke up went to the nurse and asked for my son and for the first time since the twins were born i didnt feel alone , or sad , i felt what a mother should feel son is 1 year and 1 month has breathing problems but over all is a healthy lil man … i wanted to share cuz for so long i felt like a bad mother i let anger and hurt and sorrow get in the way of what i have …. today im 24 weeks pregnant with twins again and im facing the same problem as b4… im scared and im angry but god has blessed me with one baby and hopefully 2 more if not ill miss and love him or her but wont miss out on the gift god gives me .. thank u for letting me share only the ones who reads this no my story for ive never told anyone

      • says

        thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad you can see all the good and recognize what a blessing your son is. I wish you the best with your current pregnancy.

  2. Emily Frame says

    I've typed and deleted a comment like three tines already. I can't imagine going through what you've been through. You're optimism is so inspiring. I want a baby for you, and I believe you'll get one, I really do!

  3. Emily says

    Kami, my heart is breaking for you and your recent loss. Just another reminder that we don't know what kind of challenges each of us face. All we can do is love and support each other. You're amazing.

  4. Tiffany says

    I'm so very sorry about this–especially your most recent loss. I have experienced one miscarriage. I can't imagine 12.

    My favorite line was: A big loud "NO", would be so much better than a no with a question mark. That makes perfect sense. Sometimes hope is cruel, isn't it?

    Thank you for sharing this. I hope you feel all the love and support your blogging friends have to offer you. Hugs from here!

  5. amanda says

    Not being able to have children is one trial that I would love to ask the Big Man WHY??? when I get upstairs. Why would you command that and also deny that? I don't understand.
    I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I remember when I lost my mom, my sister-in-law that is having infertility issues said, "Oh my trial is nothing compared to yours." and I replied, "I know my mother is going to die, and I know I will see her again. I would HATE the unknown." And that is what you are talking about when you mentioned you want an answer. That is why the trial is so hard because it requires faith.
    I'm glad you put this out there. It really is therapeutic. I'm sorry for the recent loss. I will continue to keep you in my prayers. Whatever the outcome I just pray you will be at peace.
    Love you!!

  6. Christi says

    Kami, Thank you so much for sharing your life with us… the good and the bad. I am a complete stranger far away in Charleston, WV, yet knowing your truth makes me feel like we are just down the street. Thanks for putting yourself out there and sharing with the world. You are brave and admirable for doing it, and you have more supporter than you know!

  7. Melinda says

    Thank you for sharing your story. You are very brave to share something so tender. I, too, enjoyed the line about " A big loud "NO", would be so much better than a no with a question mark." Your strength is something I admire.

  8. Cathy says

    I'm so sorry. I feel like I've gotten the big loud NO and it doesn't make it any easier for me. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

  9. ~Kristina says

    Your strength in sharing this part of you is incredible. I have also miscarried and was very isolated and alone through it.
    Your courage is admirable.

  10. 2 + 2 = 4 says

    Dearest Kami…

    This ached me to just read it. I am in your very same boat. I have miracle twins…but, ever since they were born, I have not been able to have kids again.

    I CAN get pregnant, just don't carry them very long. The most painful loss was at 11 weeks….that, was horrible….

    Hugs…if I still lived in Utah, I'd take you to lunch!


  11. The Gatherum Family says

    oh Kami, i am so very sorry. i do not even have a clue what this would be like, i can only imagine it would be so terribly hard. i agree with amanda, the unknown would just kill me, i too would want someone to JUST TELL ME NO—if that was indeed what the answer was. i hope you are okay. i am thinking about you. i'd love to get together for lunch sometime soon. love, adrian

  12. Jen says

    Thank you for sharing this. You said everything I've thought, but never been able to put down coherently on paper.

    I'm sorry for all your losses, but do appreciate your willingness to share your thoughts and feelings.

    I know it's hard to talk about, but it's good to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

  13. Debbie says

    I came in early to work, read your blog, and I have been crying my head off.

    Again, we ask why.

    Someday we will know.

    I hope you have a nice day.

  14. Shauna says

    Aiden and Avery are so blessed to have a brave and amazing mom like you and someday another baby will be also. Love you.

  15. Sylvia says

    You're beyond a Gold medalist, Kami.

    You will find the answers you seek and the peace that surpasses understanding. The Spirit rarely screams yet his voice is unmistakable.

    Everything is going to be all right. I'm sad that miscarriages are a part of your beautiful life story but in awe that you handle it so gracefully.

    Thank you for sharing this most painful part of your life along with its subsequent miracles. Thank heaven for those…it might otherwise be unbearable!

  16. Miranda says

    You are so brave to share this story, Kami. I know it means so much to all of us and you ARE helping so many people with your words.

  17. Aranne and Dan says

    Thank you for sharing… those numbers are shocking and must be hard to share…but I know they are even harder to live through… Thank you for your courage and your willingness to be open and honest… It touches many lives.

    Be strong and the Lord will bless you with what you need… whatever that may be!

  18. Dawn says

    You amaze me Kami!
    You quietly endure one of the hardest trials I have ever known. I hope talking about it brings a bit of relief and peace.
    I am so very sorry.

  19. Holly Park says

    Wow, my heart goes out to you! As someone who only knows a small measure of your heartache (only one miscarriage) I can only imagine how you feel! I totally agree that talking about it helps, although only to some degree. There's not much to say, but miracles can happen. I can also highly recommend a new fertility doc in the area who also has an office in Beverly Hills and was able to get my friend pregnant after she'd been trying for almost 10 years and had tried everything several times over… he is AMAZING. If you're interested, I can get his contact.

  20. Staci says

    Thanks for sharing your story Kam. It is so interesting why we are given certain trials that don't seem to make sense. You have gone through so much, I can't imagine how hard it must be! You are in my thoughts and prayers!

  21. Ashley E. says

    Kami.. Oh how I love you!!!
    I can't even begin to imagine. All I know is it takes such a strong woman to deal with this type of heartache!
    I'm so glad you shared this with others. I think sharing what challenges you have been dealing with, for so long, and with so much grace (and faith), will only be good. Good for you to heal.. out loud, with others. Your story will strengthen so many more women than you will know!
    I so admire the fact that these trials did not define you.. You are you! You seem to have the grace and endurance to carry on!
    I wish I could ease your heartache, help you cope, and give you the answers you're looking for! But, I don't know why? I often have asked, and wondered on your behalf! Just know that I am here for you! To cry with you..(in Home Depot, with the paint specialist)!
    You are such an amazingly beautiful person inside and out! I'm so grateful to have you as a friend.
    I LOVE being with you.. it's always a guaranteed good time! You make me laugh uncontrollably and smile always!

    I LOVE YOU!!!
    Ashley England

  22. Hannah says

    Kami, you are so brave. As one who has also experienced pregnancy loss, I know it is so hard. But loosing so many? I can't even imagine! You are in my prayers, my friend.

  23. Krista says

    I think a lot of women have unique & painful fertility stories to tell. The road to our family wasn't smooth – thank you for sharing your journey. And I agree, while your daughter was a medical miracle, your son is a miracle too. I know that immediate excitement of the potential of life & how hard it is when it all disappears. I'm so sorry for your loss.

  24. Felicia says


    I have been lurking for a few weeks and I had to finally comment on this post.

    I am so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine going through miscarriage that many times, although I do have a friend who had 13 miscarriages before having 3 healthy pregnancies, so maybe there is still hope.

    I am currently pregnant with #4, but it is my 8th pregnancy, so I have a little bit of experience with miscarriage. I, too, take progesterone every time. Something that I believe has helped me this time, is that we discovered my thyroid level was very low. It was still in the normal range, but at the very bottom of normal. My doc decided to put me on thyroid medicine anyway, and it made a huge difference in how I felt. Then, when I got pregnant again and asked whether I should keep taking the meds, I found out that when you're pregnant your thyroid level drops, which would have put my levels too low, and it's not good for the baby. I'm starting to believe that this could have been my problem with my last two pregnancies.

    I don't know if this will help you at all, but I spent many years searching for answers, and I would've looked into ANYTHING.

    I hope you can find some answers and some peace during this difficult time.

  25. Emily says

    I am so sorry, Kami.
    This post has really been on my "heart" all this morning, as I have been going through fertility struggles of my own and I've been thinking about these things a lot lately…
    All I know is, I have to remember that these trials are THE REASON we are here on earth. We're not here to be successful and have a really great job with lots of money, and everything that we want. We are here to experience trials and learn and grow from them, completing our test. I've realized that even though our minds think we have control over our lives, and we plan and dream and set goals, He has the ultimate control and it is a good reason in Him that we experience these changes and "bumps" in our paths.

    I need to work on being more accepting in my life, of my trials. I seem to always throw a big tantrum, and not want to accept that this is the way my life is going to go, but it just makes me miserable and not able to feel the peace that will come if I let Him comfort me! I'm working on it.
    Thanks for posting this, and letting me work out some feelings of my own, from this topic! You are amazing!

  26. tammy says

    So heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.

    I dealt with problems with both of my pregnancies. I too, took awhile to conceive, then had complications resulting in bedrest & steroid shots, and a preemie as well. And my second pregnancy wasn't a walk in the park either.

    I know people say we're lucky to have been able to have had the kids we have, but I still wish I could've had more. Our bodies are made to want to bear children, so it's hard when they don't cooperate. Especially in the UT/LDS community. And don't even get me started on those that complain about getting/being pregnant.

    I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

  27. The Coolest Allen Family says

    My husband and I have struggled with infertility for 10+ years now. I have never had a miscarriage and I have always been greatful for that. Just like you, I think it would only make it harder to be so close and not have it work out. We adopted 3 kids 3 years ago. It has been one of our greatest blessings. I still hope (and yearn) that one day I will be able to give birth. Thanks for helping some of us feel a little less alone.

  28. Robyn says

    My story is very similar.

    12 pregnancies, 4 take home babies.

    Getting pregnant isn't hard – staying pregnant is.

    We have never had an answer either.

    I know just what you're talking about when you expressed a wish to experience pregnancy without anxiety.

    For me – EVERY trip to the bathroom (which, ironically, becomes quite frequent due to the pregnancy)induces anxiety. Will there be blood on the tissue?

  29. Heather G. says

    I am so glad you decided to share this incredible trial and journey you are on. My heart goes out to you and aches for your losses. I am also so inspired by your courage and optimism. I never would have known you were suffering in any way. You carry yourself with such grace and energy and enthusiasm that I can't imagine anything ever getting you down.

    I'm also reminded of our conversation at The Easter Egg hunt and how poignant it mustve been for you. Each child that we have the privilege of parenting is an absolute gift and miracle and we can never take any of it for granted! Love you girl! Thanks for sharing! You are amazing.

  30. Soul-Fusion says

    I cannot even begin to imagine what this must feel like – emotionally, mentally and physically – so I won't pretend I have any words that will help. But for me, I find writing very therapeutic in working through thoughts/issues/trials/concerns so I am hoping putting your story out helps in some way.

  31. Suzanne says

    I visit your blog often (when you post), but I'm not sure that I've ever commented. This post was so heartfelt and touching. I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband and I experienced a stillbirth. That happened 24 years ago, but it's something that is always with you. Your experiences — each one of them — must have been such a terrible loss. Infertility and pregnancy loss affects so many of us. Thank you for being brave and kind enough to share your story. It will help many, I'm sure.

  32. tvmom says

    Thanks for sharing…seriously, you must be a strong woman, because I don't think I could go through all that you have been through…thinking of you…

  33. Pedaling says

    sometimes it's best to open up to the not so happy and pretty–
    feel the love kami- it's there.
    i knew something was up with your absence, and i am so sorry this is the reason why. oh, so very sorry.

  34. Sara J. says

    Seriously Kam…what a woman!! Recently I have learned we suffer in our lives so we can "feel" Him. With sadness or struggles, we turn to Him for peace and comfort and then we become closer and closer in that relationship. Knowing your greatness, you grasped onto this concept long before me, and that what makes you radiate such happiness and light.

    It is pure happiness when you are around! You are such a source of goodness and a tower of strength. Being with you or just reading through your blog (ha! my favorite) you inspire me to become a happier, better person. It is a person of your perception that will get you through these many rough days.

    I was sad I missed the Easter Egg Hunt w/ you, Ash and friends! Wwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! To be around such strong women is so inspiring to me! Tell Kye I'm thinking about him to! Want to see you soon sis! Luv you!!!
    Love, Sara Judkins

  35. Sarah says

    Thank you for sharing. As a L&D nurse, I always like to hear about people's stories. I think it makes me a better nurse. I can not imagine something harder than infertility problems. My heart goes out to you.
    Thank you for being brave.

  36. Emma says

    Pleased don't give up hope, I also have problems with pregnancy and Miscarriage and have suffered many miscarriages in my time the heart ache is like nothing else and it seems everywhere you look there are babies and pregnant ladies after lots of Miscarriage I had my beautiful son which was very difficult pregnancy which nearly ended in both of us dyeing but we made it, I then suffered lots more Miscarriages and then could not fall pregnant then out of the blue 6 years later I have my wonderful little girl who's now 2, which was a difficult pregnancy on every level so there is hope out there please don't feel alone and my prays and thought are with you at the difficult time and I hope I all comes right for you. Emma xx

  37. Marianne & Clayton says

    Miscarriage, ugh. It's this giant secret club that you never knew about, until you've joined. After my 2nd people would tell me about the lady they knew who had had 7 or 8. I couldn't fathom. But 13? Two a year for so many years! You dear girl! The Lord must have something seriously awesome in store for you.

    Thanks for sharing your story. Hearing other people share like this was what got me through the hard times. I imagine you are helping countless women cope right now. I hope you can find answers!

  38. Jill says

    Kam, I love and respect you so much! And it has grown since reading this post. Although I was aware that you had issues with pregnancy, I never imagined it was to this extent. I've never heard you complain about this trial. You are a wonderful example of weathering the storm with dignity and grace. Thank you for putting this out there.

    While my heart breaks for you, I believe that trials can make one ugly or more beautiful. And you are one incredibly beautiful person and mother, Kami.

    I pray that you will find peace with an answer to your looming question. And I pray, God willing, that it's a big loud "YES!"

  39. Jane says

    Thanks for sharing your story. It is obvious that many people love you and that you have touched many and will continue to do so. Thinking about you and praying for miracles to come. XOXO

  40. kelleysbeads says

    Thank you for talking about this and sharing. I have gone through two and can't imagine having to use more than one hand (let alone three) to count them all.

  41. Laura says

    You are so awesome and brave for telling us your story. I am so sorry you have to live in crazy fertile Utah county! :) I cannot even start to imagine how frustrating that must be! I am so happy that you have your miracle Avery and your cute Aiden through the blessing of adoption!!! My prayers are with you during this sucky time though! Love ya!

  42. MiaKatia says

    Kami this was a brave thing to post, because it can be so scary to put yourself out there. My heart aches for you and what you have been through. I know that a big NO would be so much easier, but also I hope you guys get to have another one too. Those tough choices and tough answers. Hugs my dear.

  43. Juliana says

    Oh man, I remember how hard my miscarriage was. So horrible. My sister is going through the same thing right now–miscarrying over and over–and it just kills me. She and her husband would make the most amazing parents–just like you are–and it is so nonsensical for good people like them (and like you) to have this struggle.

    I'm at 36 weeks pregnant and I am still having anxiety attacks that this baby will be stillborn or something catastrophic will happen. I've been thinking a lot about the scriptures that say "in sorrow" we will bring forth our children. It just doesn't get more true than that.

    Good luck with your decisions. I think the world of you. XOXO

  44. becky says

    thanks for sharing such a real, raw emotion with us. i never knew! both of your children are gorgeous and lucky to call you mom!

  45. Christina says

    Oh, Kami. I am so sorry for your loss and your heartache. This is definitely another testament to me that everyone has their own set of trials that you might never guess. I hope that your question mark turns into an answer.

    PS My perennials are starting to get green and I think of you and your sweetness every time I see these little treasures in my yard. Thank you for sharing!

  46. Bonnie says

    Kami, thank you for sharing your story. I don't know what to say except I hear you and am thinking of you.

  47. DIAPER DIVA says

    I am no stranger to multiple miscarriages. It is never easy!!! I have adopted 5 of my 7 children and will soon finalize the adoption of my last two kiddos.I love my kids but still had to mourn the loss of ever carrying a child to term and never actually giving birth. Two things I think that somehow inately we feel makes us feel like we have fulfilled our role as a woman. My plan is just different than others, not good or bad, just different. Thank you so much for sharing.

    Tammy over at time Flies sent me your link.

  48. buddens says

    Wow, Kami. I knew you had mentioned infertility struggles before, but I cannot imagine the up and down of recurrent miscarriages. Thanks so much for sharing your story. Blogs are so fun (especially yours!) but it really is nice to see the bad with all the shiny goodness. It shows so much strength to your personality that despite the trials, you remain a positive, sharing, creative and fun person. So many people lose themselves due to trials. I'm so happy you have a good support system and that you haven't let the bad outweigh the good. Still, I cannot even fathom the sadness you must feel. I hope you are feeling OK, and that someday you may actually be provided with that yes or no answer!

  49. Steff says

    Thank you for your story. Although I have never miscarried, I have never been able to get pregnant. I too would like an answer instead of a No with a question mark!
    I appreciated your posts and read your blog often…thank you.

  50. Aimee says

    Thank you for your post.

    I'm a long time reader of your blog, but don't normally comment. I too, have no problem getting pregnant, but staying pregnant is an issue. My husband says he's done, but my youngest says she has dreams where she plays with her little sister, all the time! Neither of us want to go thru another loss again. I've only had 8 pregnancies, and 2 babies though. They are my little miracles.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us.

  51. tiburon says

    Kami – thanks for sharing your story – I can't even imagine how hard this is for you. I am thinking about you.

  52. Bethany says

    Oh Kami, I love you so much. I had no idea you lost so many, I am so sorry. I admire you for everything.. your faith, your strength, and your ability to move forward and keep trying. I pray your answer will come. I hope you are feeling better.

  53. ShimmerCoconut says

    I have never heard of recurring pregnancy loss before this post–in fact it never did occur to me that one could miscarry so much. I wonder if that damages your body in any way. You are so brave for posting something so personal. I wish I had insight into why it could occur. I hope you find an answer. BTW your kids are too cute!God bless them!

  54. Mindi says

    kami–you are my GIRL. and you know how much i love you.

    now, you get a chance to feel the love from EVERYBODY–and you are well-deserving. drink this all in, and let it help to start the healing. love can conquer all!

    i'm proud of you–this wasn't easy, i'm sure. but you are getting back 100times what you put out, and that support is totally what it's all about right now.

    i love the kamster–and am SO looking forward to BIGLERFEST 2010!!!!!! XOXOXO

  55. Mindi says


    forgot to tell you that i read this early this morning and have thought about you all day. such a smart girl to embed you permanently in my brain!

  56. Suzie says

    Hey friend.
    You shared.

    I am so sorry for this heartache you have in your life.

    The only thing I can say is that I am impressed at your optimism, your hope & patience & the love you still have for life.
    I wish I could offer you more-but you have all my love, my prayers, & the continued hope in my heart for you to have babies. Lots and Lots of adorable babies.
    (this makes me love Aves all the more!!!!)

  57. Colleen Bigler says

    I'm so glad you decided to share your story. You are very brave and if you can get one or two ideas or suggestions to try, it will be worth it. You have touched many people with your courage and the way you have dealt with everything! I love you so much and am honored to be your 'other' mom.

  58. there's always something.. says

    Hello, thank you for sharing such a private matter. As I was reading your story, Joseph and Emma Smith came to mind. Your Heavenly Father will help you find comfort in whatever decision you and your husband make.

    stay strong! i love your blog… you are blessed!!

  59. arianne says

    I have been following your blog now for a while. Thank you for this. you are an amazing woman.

    I too am an adoptive mom to two beautiful little girls. I also have an angel son. We lost him after years of trying to concieve, and finally doing IVF to become pregnant, I then lost him at 21 weeks pregnant. For ME I feel my son was too perfect for this world and the Lord needed him more than I did. I am thankful I will have the chance to raise him again.

    Thanks again for sharing your story. I am so sorry for all your losses. you do have two beautiful miracles!!!

  60. Petit Elefant says

    You're brave to share, it's hard isn't it?

    I think the hardest part for me is seeing the possibility. I know what my kids look like, and I want more! And cutting that off, it goes against all natural desire. It's hard, and it sucks, no two ways about it.

    Love you.

  61. Karman says

    Kami, I too love reading your blog and love your photography, you go Girl!. (I'd LOVE to see more!) Thank you for sharing your life with us. The good and the bad.

    I'm so sorry about your lose. My heart aches with you, for I too have miscarried. I have been pregnant 12 times and have lost 6 of those (one was a set of twins, each baby died at different times, about three weeks apart). I carry for about 15 weeks, see heart beats, have Dr's. tell me things are going to be OK, then lose them anyway. We too, have had countless tests run, and they can't figure out what the problem is either. Pregnancy is a very scary thing for me as well, and the unknown takes so much faith, prayer, and patience. I pray that you will receive the peace and answers you're looking for.

    Thank you for sharing. You are a very strong person. May the Lord bless you and your family with love and peace.

  62. MomItForward says

    No words, dude! Seriously! You are amazing, Kami. I bet it was so tough to put that out there. I hope two things for you because of it: 1) That you are strengthened so you can move forward with whatever decision is right for your family along with a sense of peace and conviction, and 2) That you continue to hash through it, encouraging and being a source of strength to others. You amaze me!

  63. Ava's Mama says

    Thank you for sharing this. I hope that someone who might have an answer or helpful suggestion is reading. You are very brave for posting this and for that you are a huge inspiration to me. I wish you the best and know someone will provide you with just the information you need. We are (all your readers) wishing you the very best. Please keep us posted (if you wish) on your journey. The best, Amy B.

  64. Shaunee says

    I am so sorry for what you and Kyle have been through. With just one miscarriage still fresh in my mind, I can not imagine what you are going through. I wish I had just the right words to heal your wounds.

    We feel so lucky to be able to count you and Kyle as our friends. You are a wonderful, beautiful family and have always been so kind to us. You are truly a strong and inspirational person.

    We are thinking of you and you will be in our prayers as you take whatever necessary steps you choose. Please know that we are always there if you need anything!

    P.S. I've wondered about Avery's story. Sounds very similar to Sydney's story. Both Syd and Zac had IUGR and were delivered early. After about 10 weeks of bedrest, Syd came 5 weeks early and weighed 4 lbs. (which is huge compared to 2.5!) but spent a month in the NICU. With this last one, I was terrified that I would have the same problems (IUGR, bedrest, and low amniotic fluid) but my doctor put me on a baby aspirin the first 2 trimesters and I didn't have near the problems I had previously had. I call it my Miracle Pill!

  65. Allie ( says

    I prayed for you and your family and you will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I know God is looking out for you and your family. I know he loves you and will always be there for you.


  66. Joy says

    I'm sure this wasn't easy for you to post. I hope that it helped you to vent all those thoughts. And from reading the comments, I can see that you helped others feel like they're not alone out there. :)

  67. heather says

    Thank you for sharing your story. The more of us that talk about our miscarriages, the more women who experience one will know that they are not alone as well as have a support system of sorts in the blog community.

  68. Nancy says

    Kami, I am so sorry that you have had to go through all of that. I've had one miscarriage and it was a horrible experience, I can't imagine having that happen over and over. It's amazing that you have dealt with it that many times. Dealing with infertility is such a roller coaster even without the miscarriages, I can't imagine the emotions you've been through. The only consolation is what you said about the silver lining, the beautiful children you do have. I feel the same way. Somehow it all works out in the end, but dealing with the pain while you're in it is so hard. Anyway I just had to say something because I've been thinking about you since you posted this. I hope you figure things out and do what's best for your health and your family.

  69. Jennifer says

    I love your blog, and just wanted to tell you that I think you are so strong and brave to share your story. Despite everything you have a very positive perspective in appreciating and being thankful for the two wonderful children you have, and it's inspiring. Thanks again for sharing and thoughts and prayers are with you as you continue your journey, whatever decisions you may make.

  70. Heather Jeppsen says

    Thanks for posting this. I have a friend right now who has been going through this for a few years. So I think I'll share this post with her. Maybe it could help knowing someone else has gone through the same thing she has.

    It is very frustrating going through many tests and having doctors tell you you may never know why. Mine are the oppostite though. I may never know why I can't get pregnant on my own anymore. They told me to change my focus from finding out why I can't to let's figure out what will get me pregnant. I am glad to always read posts when someone is going through something similar. It is hard living in Utah. Everywhere you turn someone is pregnant. That's how it is. I am glad for doctors and miracles though. I am grateful for my miracles. I hope you are blessed with another one soon. Your kids are so cute and that little Aiden. If you wouldn't have had the struggles you did, you wouldn't have him. What a gift. I wish the best for you and your family. That's one thing now that I always pray for. Is for people that want children that they will be able to have them. In whatever way they are supposed to come to all of us. I just can't wait to get on the other side and say ah okay. That's why I was supposed to go through that? Good luck and hang in there. You are someone special. I know I have never met you, but I have looked up to you for a long time. You are a very positive special person who has had to go through a lot, but can still see the good in life.

  71. Lorie says

    I had a miscarriage between my daughters and I can't imagine the struggle of having to go through that 13 times.

    I am so glad that you were blessed with a little girl and now a little boy that you have brought into your family.

    I hope that you are able to continue and find the blessings that come from your trial. And I know your son is so lucky to be part of your family!

  72. Heather says

    Oh Kami- I have a pit in my stomach reading this. My counts are right about where yours are and words can't describe the panic filled sadness that each attempt brings. Each one starting so hopeful and each one bringing an increased measure of despair. It's such a lonely, invisable tragedy. I am sorry you have to go through it again.

  73. MommyBee says

    While I have not been through what you have, we tried for years to even get pregnant and decided against all the tests and drugs and stress of trying to figure out why. We figured that what was meant to be was just that. Then one day, bang, pregnant! Things have a strange way of changing, and I hope that through your optimism and kindess that you will get to experience pregnancy again, without all the worry and fear. Keep positive, and don't give up, even though it takes more strength to hold fast to what you want than to stop trying.

  74. Camille says

    I've been away from the blogging world for a few days. Just catching up on your posts. And had to leave a comment for you. I am so sorry! What a strong woman you are for dealing with such an emotional roller coaster for so long. You're right, you DO need to talk about it. Thank goodness for friends and the blogging world with so many networking possibilities! Hang in there, Kami! You're such a sweet person. I love reading your blog and meeting you in real life the other night. Highlight of my weekend!

  75. jmoesser says

    Everybody's infertility experience is different, so it's not like I've been through the exact same thing that you have and can sympathize. I have, however, been through several years of infertility: untold number of tests, artificial inseminations, an in vitro cycle, doctors who claimed to be infertility "specialists" but really weren't, and one infertility specialist, the most preeminent one in Utah, who somehow missed a giant tumor in my ovary. My problem was getting pregnant in the first place. It was a relief when I was diagnosed with endometriosis, hostile cervix, CLPD and when the tumor was found because there was a way to fix those things. I can totally relate to the frustration of not knowing. In the end, we had two biologically: one by artificial insemination and one by miracle after we had been told by all the doctors to stop trying. Just know you are NOT alone. In our little area of about 100 homes, there are 10 couples that I know of who have struggled with infertility; we all have children now. Be thankful you have family that supports; we didn't. And for us, being grateful for what we had was fundamental.

  76. Gillian says

    As I suffered through my miscarriages, the ONLY thing that brought me solace was to hear from other women who had also suffered my lose. It wasn't a misery loves company kind of thing- don't get me wrong- it was just comforting to feel not alone. It made me feel normal. Someone else out there got my hopelessness- someone else understood that from the second I found out I was pregnant I had begun planning my life with THAT baby and now all those plans were GONE.

    I just wanted you to know that I GET your sadness.

    I KNOW that ache…

    I'm sorry.

  77. Amanda says

    I just found your blog today and wanted to say how sorry I am for all of your heartbreaking losses. I too have a history of recurrent loss and know how challenging it is to go through the losses AND the testing AND the worry and all of it. I've not had as many losses as you — not even close. I cannot imagine and I am so, so sorry.

    I recently (entirely by accident) stumbled across a connection between gluten sensitivity and recurrent pregnancy loss. I can't link you to a specific article because I really stumbled onto the link. I read someone's post somewhere then Googled "gluten miscarriage" or "gluten sensitivity miscarriage" and several other variations on that theme. One medical article I read said gluten sensitivity can develop at any stage of life and another article I read said every woman who has recurrent losses should be tested (but most aren't because doctors never consider that link). Personally, I know another woman with infertility issues — the wife of a former employer of my husband — who cut out wheat (and maybe gluten?) and she now has two lovely boys.

    We aren't personally on the path to conceive again at this point because it's all so hard, but if I were there again, you bet this would be the very first thing my doctor would be testing me for. I would test for simple sensitivity, wheat and gluten allergy, celiac disease — anything I could think of that might be connected.

    Here's hoping you get that baby you're dreaming of…

  78. Cara says

    I just hopped over to your blog from your guest post on 320 Sycamore, and I feel like I've finally found someone who understands what I'm going through. Not that I would wish this on anyone, but it helps to know I'm not the only one dealing with the issue of recurrent miscarriage.

    I have my miracle son, now 2 1/2. Just like your daughter, my guy was measuring small and it was determined that I had IUGR and low amniotic fluid. I was induced at 36 weeks, wound up with an emergency c-section, and my son Finn was born weighing 4 pounds 9 oz. Spent 10 days in the NICU.

    But I've also experienced the recurrent miscarriage you speak of..5 so far, including one ruptured ectopic where the doctors had to remove one tube, a chunk of my uterus and give me quite a bit of blood.

    My heart really goes out to your struggles too. The doctors also don't know what cause mine, and we're struggling with whether or not we should continue trying or not. I've never wanted a large family, just 2 kiddos, but now we're trying to decide if we're "complete" with just one child. I'm still sorting out my feelings on adoption and/or surrogacy…I need to do some more research.

    It's a tough thing to cope with, the not knowing WHY it is happening. Anyway, big hugs to you, and thank you for sharing your story!

  79. sara says

    thanks for sharing your story. we've had a million fertility treatments, zero pregnancies, and one beautiful adopted daughter. as a mormon not currently in utah, i know how difficult it can be.

  80. Goodman Family says

    Wow! I'm so sorry for your struggles and your losses! I know your pain and know there is NOTHING else in the world quite like it. I too have have several miscarriages and know how frustrating it is to not have answers. We went the route of medical doctors, drugs, fertility treatments and on the adoption list for over a year. I had heard it all from friends and family telling me so and so got pregnant by doing this and this and this. All I heard at that point was blah blah blah. I knew I had a tilted uterus; I always had horrible periods, couldn't find my pregnancies via ultra sound (only blood tests). Finally (for some reason I listened) a woman in my ward told me about a lady who externally adjusted the uterus to help keep a pregnancy. If nothing else it would help my period cramps. It was nothing the medical community could help me with. They told me 1000s of woman give birth with a tilted uterus. Come to find out that my uterus was all jacked up in there and the baby was just not able to get the nutrients it needed to survive. After 8 very long years, three periods later (3 adjustments later) I was on my 7th pregnancy. I was a wreck the whole pregancy in fear I would lose her. I think I held on so tight that at 42 weeks she still didn't want to come. I had to have a c-section. Even though we have been married 12years and have 3 beautiful daughters ages 3.5, 2.5 and 6 months we are still dealing with the struggles of infertility…we are in our 30's with young children. We don't socially fit in anywhere. People our age have teenagers. It is a difficult thing especially in our culture. I wish you the best of luck! I wish I could make your heart ache go away. Just know that there are others who have felt and are feeling your pain…you are not alone!!! Thanks for sharing your story!

  81. Marti says

    Oh Kami! I know this is way late, but I just read your blog and wished I would have earlier so when I saw you at the Zoo I could have given you a bigger hug!

    I am so sorry for your tremendous loss! I have only had two misscarriages so I only have a glimpse of what you must be feeling. It is one of the loneliest feelings one could have. I remember my first one, I sat there and thought of all the women I knew that had gone through this and cried for them. It is empowering to be a women and share simmilar feelings to comfort and not feel so alone.

    I will keep you in my prayers and that you will get resolution soon! Thanks for your friendship and the inspiration you are to everyone that has read your story! You are a strong soul that has had to handle one of the most difficult trials there is.

    We should all get together soon for lunch!


  82. Nancy says

    Thanks for your post. As someone who has gone through two miscarriages, it is comforting to hear other people's stories. It is amazing how many people have had them but don't talk about them. I'm glad it is getting more out there and more people are sharing their experiences. I have since had a baby girl but still think of the 3 little ones I lost (the first miscarriage was twins) all of the time. But I read the best book that really helped me get through it. It is called "Gone Too Soon" by Sherri Devashrayee Wittwer. To quote what I wrote about it on my blog, "It really helped me to understand why I was so devastatingly sad, that the life of my babies was short but part of a bigger plan, and how I could begin to move forward from the loss. The life of unborn babies is truly significant, and when a baby is lost, whatever age they may be, it is indeed the loss of someone very special." If you are interested in reading my experience, here is the link to it.

    Although I would never have chosen to go through the experience, it has really helped me have more empathy for others and I have gained friendships I otherwise never would have. Thanks again for your post and for sharing your experience.

  83. Omgirl says

    Infertility sucks! It's such a slap in the face. We're women, we are commanded to multiply and replenish the earth, and then we are denied that ability. Though I've had two losses (one miscarriage and one ectopic) my curse seems to be the not getting pregnant. One and a half years for my first child, now I'm on round two of infertility, just hit one year. Anyway, I'm so sorry for you, Kami. Though our goal has been the same–having a baby–our paths have been quite different. I can't imagine having so many losses and still having the courage to try again. I hope you are comforted through your trials. I think you are very very brave.

  84. Traci says

    Ugh. I can't even imagine. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I hope it brings some healing to your broken heart!

  85. Erin says

    Hey Kami! Wow I just read this post and have to say that it really touched me! I actually didn’t know your story and was always a bit curious how you guys found your way to adoption! I know we talked alittle about it, but nothing in too great of detail. I personally haven’t experience any miscarriages and so I don’t understand the pain and frustration that comes along with it. I do however understand with 100% clarity the frustration of not knowing what you are supposed to do! I prayed many time for a clear answer on which way we were supposed to go hoping…wanting an answer without a ? (like you said). Isn’t it crazy how overwhelming and scary it feels? I hope you find your peace soon and you will feel like you are guided in which way you are to go with these HUGE decisions! I just want you to know that I do KNOW it will be alright!! I think the peace comes after you make your decision, atleast that has been my experience. It is funny how these experiences bring people together who otherwise wouldn’t be. You and your cute family have a little place in my heart!

  86. Senja says

    Thank you so much for sharing your story, Kami. I have only gone through one miscarriage (last December, 7 weeks pregnant) but we have been trying to get pregnant for 4 years now. My sister in law has had 4 miscarriages, my niece was born 3 years ago and she is pregnant again. With her, the doctors have said that she will always have a 50/50 chance of giving birth or miscarrying due to allergies and health issues she has. I have felt her loss all these times and can only imagine what you are/have been going through. I sincerely hope that everything will work out the best for you guys.

    Many positive thoughts and much love from Sweden,

  87. says

    i stumbled on your blog in a round about way. thank you for your post – i am grateful every time someone opens up about this. i don’t know why women are reluctant to discuss this but i really have appreciated those who have opened up during the past two years i have struggled with miscarriage. thank you and good luck!

  88. says

    WOW! I just read your story for the 1st time. I struggled with infertility for 5 years and like you I didn’t talk about it. I am so sorry you have experienced this painful road. I am thinking of you. XO

  89. says

    I have also just read your story for the first time and I admire you and your courage. I have had way to many miscarriages/stillbirths to count. I am sure I could count them if I really wanted to but I choose not to. Lets just say 12/13 sounds familiar. Plus I have chosen not to dwell on it as I do firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and as a result I have adopted three children who were in dire need of rescuing. But most importantly I truly feel that my kids – although adopted – are mine and have saved me! I will pray for you and your daughter every day and I do hope you share the path with your subscribers. For a long time I wallowed in despair over the tragedies but if not for those I would not have my chiildren today – and they were meant for me and I for them. You and your family are so special and I wish you all the best.

  90. TM says

    Thank you for speaking for those of us who also deal with this pain. In 14 years of marriage, we have had a son, a miscarriage, a daughter, 2 miscarriages, a daughter, 5 miscarriages, a daughter (who’s fraternal twin stopped developing between 6-10 weeks) and another miscarriage. We are incredibly thankful for our 4 healthy children, but I miss my 10 “lost” children all the time.

  91. Amy says

    You are a brave and amazing woman. I have had three miscarriages in the past year and half. I can’t imagine 13 over 9 years. My first pregnancy was stress free and our daughter was born just fine. (I didn’t know I should be worried.) With my second pregnancy my water broke at 16 weeks. My third pregnancy we lost the heartbeat at 13 weeks and my fourth pregnancy we lost the heartbeat at 10 weeks. I know that anxiety feeling you talked about. I want to be pregnant and I am terrified to be pregnant. I too did heparin shots, have had chromosome testing, MRI’s on my uterus, etc….and they can’t figure me out. Like you I want an answer so I can make a decision about what to do. Whether it be “Yes” or “No”, I want an answer. And as a woman and a member of the church I think we carry this guilt about not being able to bring these children into the world. Sometimes I feel like I am being punished – even though in my heart I know that is not true. I think about it everyday and often it keeps me up at night. I just don’t get it. My heart goes out to you. It is so hard to feel like I don’t have any say or control in this situation. It is hard not to become bitter. I used to want a big family, now I am hoping for 2. I want my daughter to have the experience of having a sibling. We are starting the adoption process…that is overwhelming too. Thanks for sharing your story. It is nice to know I am not alone in my feelings.

  92. says

    Kami, I just stumbled into your blog and can’t put my phone down! I keep reading and re-reading your story of sweet Afton and my heart breaks. Thank you for sharing. Thank you. This is an incredible story and you are so brave for telling the world. Reading through the comments was inspiring to see how many people you’ve touched. You are a wonderful wife, mother and friend. I feel blessed to know you, even if it’s through this blog.

    Something popped in my head as I was reading this story and I feel I need to ask. Have you been tested for Rh Factor? It’s something you get if you have a negative blood type and your baby has a positive one. You can have a child, but all other pregnancies will not survive because the body sees it as a threat. I don’t know if that helps and I certainly don’t want to bring up bad memories of soooo many tests. Take care and keep going. You are so loved.

  93. neisha says

    thank you for sharing! there are many of us who understand.
    I have had 5 miscarriages in 3.5 years.
    I am fertile mertyle but I can’t seem to carry them pass 8/10 weeks.
    I also have two perfectly healthy kids. when my youngest was about 4 we decided to try again. and i miscarried every time. after the 4th we did a bunch of testing and, like you, ended up with no answer! so very very frustrating.
    I have been very thankful for those who have gone through what I have gone through…they truly understand what I am dealing with.

    And also…I am so sorry for your loss. Afton was a beautiful baby in that white dress

  94. tara says

    I am very sorry about your little Afton and about your recurrent pregnancy losses. It takes great courage to share with people online about these issues. Thank you for sharing.

    I am dealing with infertility for the past 3 years. I have been married for 3 and a half years. In the past 5 months we have seen an infertility specialist and it was determined that my husband has normal sperm quality but I have excess testosterone and DHEA. This is my 3rd month on clomid and I really hope it works. My first month was 50 mg and I had strong symptoms (vision, hot flashes, cold chills) so they lowered me to 25 mg thereafter.

    It is very hard to go through life thinking that you cannot have your own biological child. I even envy people who have miscarriages because I seriously wish I would have one so that I could KNOW that I could biologically have my own baby. Every month is the same disappointment and at this point I don’t think I will ever see a positive sign on a pregnancy test.

    You are lucky to have your two children. Keep your head up.

  95. Rachel says

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for your past micarriages and the loss of your sweet little Afton.i don’t know you but you and your family will be in my thought and prayers.

    I have also had several early miscarriages and delivered a baby girl just before 20 weeks. It is so painful. I just wanted to share that after that happened I found out that I had celiac disease (gluten intolerance) which I firmly believe contributed to that. I also had a blood test that analyzed the levels of nutrients in my body and started taking supplements for the things that I was lacking. My body didn’t have enough of the right things to carry a healthy baby. Afterdoing all that I was able to get pregnant and stay pregnant and now have 2 healthy kids. I’ve recommended what I did to several friends having similar problems and it has helped them all get and stay pregnant.

    I hope you are able to find answers please contact me if there is anything I can do to help.

  96. Liz says

    Thank you for what you have written. I also suffer from unexplained RPL and as a fellow Mormon, I feel going to church hinders my recovery rather than help it. I found your site through TipJunkie and want to say how sorry I am for the loss of your little girl last month. I also lost a little girl at 13 weeks. Unexplained. Never an answer. From doctors or from the Lord. I got a tubal last summer and though my emotional/spiritual recovery is least I am moving forward – somewhat. I wish miscarriage and loss were discussed more at church. It would have helped to have had someone to talk to/lean on…and saved me $$ from having to go to therapy. :-/ I wish you all the best. I know this year will be a hard one. I don’t know how I could go on without the Gospel of Jesus Christ. May God Bless you and your family.

  97. Katie says

    Thank you for sharing this. My heart goes out to you!!

    I was actually researching recurrent miscarriages and gluten intolerance and came upon your post – probably because two commenters mentioned having miscarriages, then cutting out gluten and having successful pregnancies after. I hope this is the case for us. I have had 5 miscarriages in 16 months, all within the first 8 weeks. I have two healthy boys, but suffer from PCOS and thyroid issues. We decided to go gluten and grain free about 3 weeks ago and I’ve never felt better and have already lost about 14 lbs! I hope we can conceive again – I also hope you can, too.

    It won’t hurt to go gluten-free. Look up “Wheat Belly”. You’ll never look at wheat the same!

  98. Roneisha Mayberry says

    Thank you so mich for this post. I was starting to think that i was a freak of nature. I have been pregnant 8 times with 1 miracles birth a beautiful 11 year old. I go to the doctors i see heartbeats and then i dont. Ive had every test i can think of ran on me and they still cant tell me what is wrong with me. This last one which happened 2 weeks ago, i was 12 weeks. Im devastated because i allowed myself to be happy about this. I allowed myself to be pregnant and feel. This hurts so much. I too just wish they would say no u cant have kids…no u have ur miracle now stop…tell me something…but thats not the case i get and have gotten no answers. Im so lost at this point. But u give me hope to try again and get my baby.
    Thank u

    • says

      Oh, my heart goes out to you. It’s such a hard road. Good luck to you and be so thankful for the miracles you’ve been blessed with.

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