a letter to my sweet little Afton

To my sweet little Afton,

It’s been a few months since I have written you here, although it’s everyday that I think of you. Every single day for the rest of my life. It’s really hard not to be sad when I think of you. You really are a gift to us, and a gift should only be happy.

We have never had a busier Summer. It has been such a blessing to have the distraction. I really have to compartmentalize my emotions to enjoy it all. Having so much on my plate to keep us all busy has been so good for us. This Summer was amazing, so many wonderful memories were made together. It’s crazy because I know you were with us all along.

On each trip we took together, a butterfly would fly by us, and I would think of you. It really was amazing how it would always be at the most happy times like when we were sitting on the rocky beach of Whitefish Lake, or when we just pulled up to my Grandma’s house and she was coming out to greet us on her front porch, or when your Dad and I were in Annie’s Canyon in Lake Powell. It’s crazy because we will look at each other when we see the little butterfly and we all just know. It’s our way of thinking of you together. I’m not sure what we will do during the cold months when butterflies aren’t out, we will have to find something else.

This year is going by so fast, and I always have your birthdate in the back of my mind. Anticipating how I will feel, thinking of our week with you here. Nothing has changed us more.

I recently watched the sweetest little video by my friend Kylie and I couldn’t hold back the tears, knowing the joys of finally bringing a baby home from the NICU when we did with your sister Avery 9 years ago, and how much we wanted to bring you home with us too.

I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw this funny gift of charity through ugly flamingo plates. Oh the emotional rollercoaster it is to lose someone you love. To have friends that bring you ugly plates to break is quite possibly the most thoughtful and funny gift. Losing you has solidified with me that people are good.

I love you so much my little Afton Jean. I think of you always.

Love, mom

More letters to my sweet little Afton Jean as I make my way through this first year missing her:

Letter 6
Letter 5
Letter 4
Letter 3
Letter 2
Letter 1

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  1. Anjane' says

    I am so sorry. Time does make loss easier to deal with, but my little boy’s birthdays are still really hard for me. Hugs!

  2. Debbie says

    When we were tending your little darlings, Dad wanted to go up to the cemetary while they were in school. It was so quiet, so beautiful and so sad. Someday…

  3. says

    I loved both your letter and that sweet video. And I bet you will get a surprise butterfly through the winter here and there. Or maybe a shooting star to remind you that she is watching over everything your sweet little family is doing until you can all be together again forever. Love you, Kami. So so much.

  4. jen @ Tatertots & Jello says

    Oh Kami — Sending you big hugs. I know that Afton is with you so much until you can all be together again. You are a wonderful mother and friend. You are one of a kind and I adore you.


    • says

      Thanks Jen. <3 I adore you! really I do. I love whenever I can spend time with you. We always laugh so much, I love it. It does my heart good. :)

  5. says

    Oh dear dear dear. Life gives so much and also demands such strength… My heart feels for you dear Kami. Little Afton shares your beautiful moments of joy too, and there will be some Christmas butterfly fluttering nearby when your little kiddos relish in the spirit of Christmas, I’m sure of that.

  6. says

    Your letters always make me cry Kami! I’ll never forget how I felt when I read the news about your sweet baby Afton. It’s hard knowing someone as sweet and wonderful as you has to go through this. I love that you all think of her when you see butterflies. I will think of her too when I see them from now on. I know she is always with you.

    Love you Kami.



  7. Mandi says

    Hi Kami,

    I think you are my hero. I have only had 4 miscarriages so far. I am pregnant with the fifth. I don’t know how this one will turn out. I think it requires really, really strong women to live through these things. You are a VERY strong woman. I am sending prayers and thoughts your way.

  8. Melanie Renstrom says

    I love your posts! I weep with you, laugh with you, and pray with you. As I listened to conference I listened to those talks that reminded me of you and your struggles as though you were there with me, and they touched my heart so deeply! Know that we love you all and remember you in our prayers every day! God bless!

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