a letter to my sweet little Afton

My Little Sweet Afton,

It’s been 6 months since you were here with us. We just celebrated Memorial Day, a day that holds so much more meaning to me now that you have passed. It’s weird how I anticipate with worry how I will feel on these dates and holidays coming up during this first year, when so far, the actual day of the holidays I am fine. It’s the other days, the ordinary days that seem to be harder. We had a sweet visit on Sunday night inviting all of our family on the Bigler side up to visit your grave. It was the first visit for most of the cousins. I hope to make it a tradition.

One of the hardest things for me is watching all of your little cousins that were born the same year as you celebrate all of their firsts. I will always wonder what you would be like if you were here, seeing them go through each stage of life. I want to honor you through loving and celebrating them.

The biggest challenge for me is trying so hard to make losing you have a positive affect on my life. It would be so easy to let it do the opposite. Someday we will all learn why everything happened the way it did, why you were needed somewhere else, why we couldn’t keep you here with us. Until then, I want to always remember all the good that came from your short life here. You brought out so much good in all the lives that you touched. You have had more of an impact on my life in the one week you were here than anyone. I am a better person because of you. I am so much more aware and sensitive to others going through hard things, which is such a gift.

During the week you were here, I received the best advice. When I was just starting with the “what ifs” and the “if onlys” someone said to me to change the “what ifs” and the “if onlys” to thank yous. It has helped me so much.

So, thank you. Thank you for letting me be your mom. Thank you for giving me the honor. What an honor it is.

I love you so much.

love, mom

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Comments

  1. 1

    Kami,
    My heart still fills with tears as read your sweet words to your sweet Afton Jean. I understand the struggle with infertility but will never know the loss of a child (I was never able to have children.) I am so grateful to know you even if it is via your Blog and a brief meeting at SNAP!!

  2. 3

    oh Kami your letters to Afton always bring to me tears, so beautiful…thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

  3. 5

    Kami, your strength and grace continue to amaze me.

  4. 7

    You’re a very brave soul, striving to do and see the best in your life! Your letters to little Afton move me so much, but not only that, they are such a vivid reminder of how precious life is here and now, and how important it is to acknowledge the impact people dear to us have on our life. Lots of hugs, Kami!

  5. 9
    Becky, Yep says:

    you sound good.
    I’m glad you had a nice time with the bigler bunch

  6. 11

    (( hugs ))
    when I saw the little babies in the photo, my first thought was, how difficult that must be for Kami to see those babies.
    We have a daughter with an unknown birth defect and she is very delayed, has some blindness, etc. etc. Every time my husband and I see other kids her age, we look at each other with sadness, wishing that our Rachael had been born “normal” and doing the things she should be at her age…

  7. 13

    It’s really heartening to see how bravely you have faced your loss…You have infinite grace.

  8. 15

    We love you guys. All five of you.

  9. 16
    Heidi Walker says:

    And Thank You, Kami, for sharing her story (and your story) with us. It helps change our hearts as well.

  10. 17

    I love the letters to baby Afton! Beautiful words…love!!!

  11. 18
    Melanie says:

    Love you all Kami!!! Thanks for teaching me about what you are feeling and experiencing. I hope it will help me to be a more compassionate and understanding friend, family member and person. I am continually reminded about how lucky we are to have you and your family in our lives!

  12. 19
    Shaunee says:

    That is such a sweet letter… they all are! What a wonderful tradition to start with all the cousins.
    I love your enduring spirit and positive attitude during this difficult trial. You are amazing!!

  13. 20

    Your letter made me tear up. I meant to talk to you the other day at your house and see how you are coping. I feel bad, I didn’t even ask! You are really a great example of being so positive while going through such a difficult trial.

  14. 21

    Beautiful Kami! Afton is so very lucky to have you as her mom. It was so special visiting her grave with you last Sunday… I hope to help make it a family tradition. Love you!

  15. 22
    Stephanie says:

    Love ya Kami! {{Hugs}}

  16. 23

    Love your letters. Thought of Afton as I was driving today.

  17. 24

    Dear Afton’s short life reminded me of a lovely poem by Ben Jonson, A Part of an Ode:

    A lily of a day
    Is fairer far in May,
    Although it fall and die that night;
    It was the plant and flower of light.
    In small proportions we just beauties see;
    And in small measures life may perfect be.

    Wishing you peace, joy, and strength for the journey,
    Amy

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