My sweet little Afton,
I hope you can feel my love for you everyday. I pray that you are safe and happy everyday, and that we can feel your spirit often. Losing you has changed me. It’s like a piece of me is missing…and it’s you. Missing you is like having a home sick feeling that I know will never go away, and I just have to learn to live with it.
I know they say that this life is like a blink of the eye when we view it with an eternal perspective, but it’s so incredibly hard to see it that way when I’m here in the middle of it. It’s so hard to think that I should still be pregnant with you, my sweet baby girl.
One of the hardest realities to accept is to see that little picture of you – my favorite one of you in your pretty white dress without all the tubes and cords…the one I have framed on my dresser – and know that I will grow to be an old woman (however old) looking at that same unchanged picture of you, still missing you after so many years. It’s very overwhelming to think of that reality as I sit here at the 2-month mark. Although you might be stuck in time in the pictures we have of you here, I know your beautiful spirit is growing and changing.
Thinking back on my pregnancy with you, knowing what I know now, I wish I would have celebrated and cherished everyday of it knowing that was all the time I would have with you here. I loved waking up in the morning and feeling you move to that little lump high up on my belly.
The other night I was getting your big brother out of the bath. He asked me to wrap him up in the towel and sing “Baby Mine” to him like I always do. I started to sing to him, and then I started to cry as I thought of you, and how I’ll never get to wrap you up in a towel after a bath. It was the sweetest thing…your big brother started to cry with me (which only made me cry more). He is the sweetest little boy, with such a tender heart. It was the first time I have felt that he too misses you.
One of my favorite quotes shared with me through losing you:
“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief. But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love.” – Hilary Stanton Zunin
I need to remind myself that you didn’t come here to break me or to break my heart, you came here for just the opposite. You came here to bring us love and joy. No matter how painful losing you is, the gift of your life and loving you will always be bigger than the loss. I need to remember that.
I love you forever,
love your mom
*this photo was taken of me right before I got to hold my sweet baby girl for the first… and last time. We buried her with that soft little white blanket.
* During this year, I hope to write a letter after the 14th of each month (the day of my little Afton’s birth) as I do my best to heal.