My sweet little Afton,
Today February 21, 2012 was suppose to be the day of your birth. I have anticipated this date and how I would be and how I will feel for the last few months. I have had so much time to think about you and your short life over the last three months.
I don’t think I have ever thought so much about life and death and the purpose of this life like I have since you passed. I stood up and bore my testimony in church in January. I don’t do this that often, because I get so nervous, but I had to. I always bear my testimony after we bless our babies. I did it after we blessed Avery and Aiden and now you. I literally felt like I was pushed up to the stand. I couldn’t breath I was crying so hard, but I managed to share what was in my heart. I shared that I knew you were still living, and that life continues after our lives here on earth end. I also shared how thankful I am for the Atonement. I had so much I wanted to say, but I think the spirit in the room that day was more than anything I could have said. You were with me that day.
Losing you has made my testimony of the Gospel and Jesus Christ grow so much. It is the only way I can make sense of anything. It is my biggest source of comfort. Heaven is where you are, and I want so bad to be with you again, for all of us to be with you again.
After you passed I heard a few say to me, “At least she got a body.” I didn’t like the thought that this was something that could bring comfort after losing you. I didn’t want to lose you and wasn’t ready to be comforted. At the time, I just needed to grieve. Since then, after the early weeks right after you passed on, I have had time to think and now have a greater appreciation for what a gift our bodies are – whether we have them in this life for 80+ years, or a week or a day. Eventually we will have them for eternity – and that is what really matters. You have your body and you have returned to Heavenly Father. It didn’t unfold how I would have preferred, but if I have an eternal perspective, isn’t this all a parent can hope for their children?
I’m happy to report that your brother and sister are doing well. It was really hard for Avery at first…explaining to her why you couldn’t stay here with us was one of the hardest things we had to do. She was so excited to have a little sister, so she was devastated at first. She is at an age where she understands so much. She is doing so well now, she’s a kid, and kids are resilient. I love that she is able to be happy and be a kid and enjoy life. I know she will forever miss you and wonder about what life would be like if you were here as her little sister (this has been one of the hardest parts of losing you). You are like her little gift, all of our little gift.
There is always so much I want to tell you. Thoughts come and go at random moments every day and I want to record them, but it’s not always easy to tie the thoughts together. Above everything, I just want you to know how much I love you. We all love you. You will always be in my heart. Love, your mom.
*hugs* Thinking of you, Kami.
What a beautiful letter — so heartfelt and full of truths.
Our prayers are still with you. Much love to you all!
I know I am just a stranger but I think of you and your family all the time and pray for peace in your hearts. Lots of hugs.
thinking of you today….I don’t know you either but, feel I know you from reading your blog. My heart goes out to you today and everyday. {{hugs}}
Reading about Afton always leaves me speechless…I sense how this loss hurts, I truly wish you monster loads of happiness, I marvel at your courage and melt to see so much love. My heart breaks and blossoms at the same time. All my thoughts go to you and your family. XX
praying for you Kami! Can’t imagine experiencing something like this. xoxo
Absolutely Beautiful Kami.
Your posts about Afton always convey your sorrow and hope- such a beautiful paradox. You are amazing, Kami. I think of you often!
It is amazing how often she comes into our thoughts. Dad and I speak of her often. I know she is with us. We love you, Afton Jean.
such a bad idea for me to read this at work…I am bawling! your so sweet to share your heart and feelings with all of us! you are such a strong amazing women Kami, I am SO lucky to know you and learn from you! Afton will forever remain in ALL of our hearts! luv ya! xoxo
Beautiful letter!
Thinking of you and your family.
Peace & strength to all of you!
Kami- such a beautiful letter to your precious daughter. My loss will be 3 months old on the 6th of March and I too have gotten so much comfort in knowing my beautiful daughter who lived her 9 years on earth in a wheelchair now has a body that is whole and complete in heaven. I am so much closer to the Lord and He has given me the strength to endure something no parent should ever go through. I wish I could let that date pass every month without feeling anything different than the day before or after, but since that’s not possible I now update my daughters fb memorial page with how we as a family are doing and try to encourage others to appreciate their loved ones everyday- because none of us are promised tomorrow. God bless you and your family through your grief, I will continue to pray for your peace and healing.
Kami, I am so thankful that you have the courage to share your sweet thoughts and testimony. Afton is lucky to have you as her mother for eternity! I have no doubt that she is with you often, especially when you share your testimony and love with others as you so often do! I pray your family will continue to heal and always have the hope that is so strong inside of you right now! Thank you for sharing – you have no idea how many lives you touch!
Your faith and testimony is so moving.. I know your heart is still incredibly broken, but I just wanted to say I appreciate you sharing what you do. It strengthens my faith seeing how full of faith you are.
Such a beautiful letter Kami……….thinking of you and your family today, you are in my thoughts and prayers so often!
What a beautiful letter to your sweet girl. Kami, you are so strong & full of grace. Thinking of you today.
You are in my thoughts today.
Kami,
I love your sharing. I love your love for your children. I love your growth in the gospel and testimony of Jesus Christ, the Atonement and that Families are Forever. Thank you for sharing all of that with us. Thinking of you today and sending hugs.
april
That testimony meeting was one of the most special ones I’ve ever been to. The spirit was so strong and I believe little Afton was there with you, too. Not a dry eye in the room.
I love reading your letters and hearing your testimony. What an amazing person you are and it has been so inspiring to watch your growth.
We are sending our best wishes for your whole family today. Thanks for giving us a peek into something so sacred and special.
I think we all think of her often and will always. We passed that sign on our trip with her name and I got a little choked up. Beautiful letter Kam, to your beautiful baby girl.
Tender letter, thank you for sharing it with us.
I am so sorry. I am glad you have that blessed hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.
Ahh, such a sweet letter. the part that really made me tear up was about Avery looking forward to having a sister and having to explain it to her. I just have no words. so I’ll end it here.
Her dear sweet little tiny head in that photo Kami-how precious and perfect. I think of you every day.
Thanks for sharing your precious letter with us. Thinking of you and your family.
kami, such a beautiful, heartfelt letter to your daughter! May you be comforted by the Lord and by us(your readers).
*hugs
Beautiful Kami. I love your letters to Afton. They make me cry and ache for you all over again, but they are also such perfect reminders about what is really important in life. The gospel – our families – our friends. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. You are still the first person I pray for each night.
xoxo
Lots of {hugs} I think the anticipation of the due date was a lot harder than the actual day. I felt so much peace and comfort on Logan’s due date and felt him with me. I hope you felt your sweet little Afton with you on her due date. If you need a friend to talk to you can always send me a message. =-)
I wanted to share a poem I read when I head my miscarriage this last Christmas. I’m not sure where I read it or who wrote it but it brought comfort to me in a time I needed it. I hope it brings a little to you as well. God Bless.
I’ll Be There
Daddy, please don’t look so sad, Mama please don’t cry
Cause I am in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, Don’t think he is unkind
Don’t think He sent me to you and then He changed his mind.
You see, I am a special child and I’m needed up above
I’m the special gift you gave Him, The product of your love.
I’ll always be there with you and watch the sky at night
Find the brightest star that’s gleaming, That’s my halo’s brilliant light
You’ll see me in the morning frost, That mists your window pane,
That’s me in the summer showers, I’ll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze, from a gentle wind that blows
That’s me, I’ll be there, planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a little tug,
That’s me, I’ll be there, giving your heart a hug.
So Daddy, please don’t look so sad, Momma don’t you cry.
I’m in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.
God Bless!! Thank you for sharing your sharing your letter from the heart!
Thinking of you today. Thank you for sharing your beautiful letter.
I bawled as I read this. My 19 month old was sitting in my lap and reached up to wipe away my tears. What a precious gift children are! Thank you for the reminder. I think and pray for your family often.
Lucky baby to get a mommy like you Kami.
Another beautiful letter to your sweet Afton. Your picture of you kissing her sweet angel head and pretty hair brought tears immediately. What a beautiful picture to cherish. I was holding my little guy who is 11 weeks old and he sat so still while I read…
Tears flowed and thoughts of your healing heart are in my thoughts & prayers. You are such an excellent mommy to all 3 of yours. I have been following your baby updates since I saw your pic of you holding the chalkboard sign announcing you were pregnant (because we were pregnant at the same time). Your courage in journaling and sharing with us is inspiring to me. Know that prayers are being said on your behalf tonight. xo Wish I could give you a sister hug.
I feel like Mom, she’s on my mind a lot. Each time I think of her I think she’s with me and I’m thankful and feel warm.
I love your nose on her ‘mini’ head in the picture….so Tyler. I hope you remember her sweet smell forever
Oh Kami what a beautiful letter to Afton. I wish I could have been there to hear your testimony. What a beautiful gift the Atonement is to all of us.
You are an amazing person.
I just happened to stumble upon your blog and wanted to say how much this letter moved me. I lost a child as well and this letter really hit home. Beautifully written and so full of love and hope and wisdom. Hugs to you.
What a great letter. Thank you for sharing so much